Before
by easternepiphany
Summary: Rosalie adapts to being a vampire, first through the eyes of her reluctant brother and then through her own.
1. Parasitic Invasion

**Standard disclaimers apply.**

Carlisle's first – and subsequently last – attempt at matchmaking is nothing less than a disaster. He has dealt with two newborn vampires in his long existence, but neither Edward nor Esme were ever as volatile as Rosalie is. She is angry and bitter and doesn't want to _be_. So she argues with Edward, who is more impatient with her than he ever was with Esme. They fight about everything, from the kind of music they listen to, to the way the towels are arranged in the bathroom.

The only thing they do agree on, actually, is that Carlisle was absolutely insane to ever think that they would ever fall in love.

Rosalie is confined to their wooden cabin in upstate New York while she adjusts to her new life. Carlisle has taken some time off of work in order to help; Rosalie proves herself to be skilled at containing her bloodlust but not at controlling her temper. She is hostile at best toward everyone but Esme, and as the months pass and the two women grow closer, Edward and Carlisle understand why.

For the first six months, Edward considers his sister nothing more than a vain socialite. When she's not yelling, she's looking in the mirror. At first, Edward thinks she's looking, waiting for something to change. It does, after all, take a while to get used to having an unchanging face. But then he pays more attention, listens to her thoughts: she finds herself beautiful and so she spends time staring at her reflection. She is shallow and Edward can't imagine ever loving her as anything more than a sister, if he can even get that far.

Her thoughts are dark and filled with images that he'd never be able to drive away from his mind. While Edward's memories of humanity are fleeting, Rosalie's are almost as clear as day. After a while, she learns to block him almost completely; it's almost unnerving to Edward, who has never encountered an almost-silent mind.

Edward overhears her talking to Esme one night – the two women have formed a strong kinship and Edward knows that Esme is secretly aching to be able to tell Rosalie that she thinks of her as a daughter, but does not want to overstep her boundaries. Edward is surprised to discover that they are talking about him.

"It's such an _invasion_," Rosalie says. "My body, my life, now my mind? Will it ever end?"

"And it's just as much as an invasion for Edward," Esme replies gently. "Don't compare him to those horrible men. Edward didn't ask for this, he doesn't do it on purpose. He would never hurt you – or anyone for that matter – like that."

Rosalie sighs. "I know that. But it just feels the same. That's why I've been learning to stop him. Maybe one day it won't bother me so much, but for now… I can't have him in my mind. I'm working too hard to get Royce out to have Edward in there."

Edward feels bad, sympathizes, pities, but his opinion of Rosalie is still unwavering. It's not until she has been with them for just less than a year that Edward begins to think that there's more to his sister than the scattered thoughts that he picks up.

On the anniversary of the death of Esme's son, there is a vase of white gardenias on the table. A piece of paper is next to the vase. Edward picks it up and reads: _To my mother. Love, your daughter._

In the Cullen house, it is a day that passes quietly. When Edward was away, he always sent a letter, telling Esme that he missed her and loved her and was thinking about her. Carlisle usually takes the day off of work and spends it with his wife. Although it's been over ten years, Esme still grieves for the baby she's lost. Edward supposes that Rosalie, who still mourns the life she could have had, understands Esme better than the two men in the house.

This is the first time that Rosalie refers to Esme as her mother.

When Rosalie is strong enough to be around humans again, they move to a small town in northern Maine. She is tired of being cooped up in the house, constantly watched, and Edward can hardly blame her. He remembers all too well the days of staring out the windows and wishing to be able to walk freely.

Edward accompanies her into town and they window shop. She seems content to finally be in the open air during the day; she has been hunting solely under nightfall. They are passing the market when they see a young woman pushing a pram. She stops to look at a barrel of apples and Edward feels Rosalie tense up next to him.

Initially, he is afraid that she is losing control, that the bloodlust is winning. But then he hears her thoughts; for once, she is not blocking him. He sees a young boy with beautiful curls. Rosalie's fingers dig into Edward's arm and it takes him a moment to realize that she doesn't want to drain the baby dry.

In fact, she wants quite the opposite.

Later that evening, Edward walks passed Rosalie's bedroom to find her sobbing into Esme's arms. Again, her thoughts are open to him and he wishes with all of his might that he can walk away from the images in Rosalie's head: her standing in the sunshine with a swollen belly, her pushing a pram in front of a market, her sitting in the grass with a book in her hands as she reads aloud to three small children.

It is at that moment that Edward truly begins to love his sister.

The next day, she knocks on his bedroom door, a wedding dress slung over her arm. "I need your help," she says.


	2. Vindication

Edward Cullen is not and never has been a very vindictive individual. When he spent his nights hunting down the guilty and the filthy, he did so because of a problem within his own mind. Every single thing he's ever done that might be considered evil he has only done because of himself and his own insecurities. In seventy years, when he will find a new arch enemy in the form of a teenage boy, he will only hate him because he will have what Edward will so desperately want: a beating heart.

So when Rosalie tells him of her plan for revenge, he is filled with a sense of discontent, confusion. "You can't change what's happened," he says.

"You're always doing the taking, Edward," Rosalie bites, "you've never been taken from. You wouldn't understand."

The year is 1934 and Edward knows almost nothing about rape. All he does know has been gathered from his sister's mind, and so he does not argue with her. He does not understand and, if he is being completely honest with himself, he probably never will.

It is dark when they set off for Rochester. The wedding dress is folded neatly in a knapsack slung over Rosalie's back. It's not a terribly long run from their Maine home – Rose and Edward are, after all, much faster runners than most vampires – and plan to hunt profusely along the way.

"I'll be damned if I let him turn me into a monster," Rosalie says. "I will not touch one drop of his blood."

If there's anything Edward has noticed about his sister, it's that the need to control things is something she takes very seriously. And she very rarely relinquishes that control. So if she says she will not touch one drop of blood, she will not, despite the fact that she has only been a vampire for just over a year. Her control will be perfect because she will be the one executing it, not the bloodthirsty monster hidden inside.

There are many instances throughout the trip where Edward asks himself why he decided to go along with this. He could have told Rosalie that she was insane and still suffering from newborn temperament and needed to march back to her bedroom and read a book. He could have (and maybe should have) gone straight to Carlisle, who would have never let Rosalie leave the house with this in mind.

But as they finally arrive in Rochester, Rosalie's jaw is set and her eyes are determined. Edward realizes this is something she needs to do because without it, she will never heal.

Rosalie changes into the wedding dress in an old alley, Edward standing in the entranceway to keep watch. He is instantly reminded of those years, those long and dark years, which he spent in similar alleys, waiting, trying to heal himself by harming others. Like Rosalie is trying to do now, he was searching for some sort of meaning in this strange half-life he lives. Rosalie is seeking revenge not because she is vindictive, but because it is the only way she can be set free.

He helps her track down Royce – it's not particularly hard – and he waits a block away while she does what she needs to do. He is close enough to save her if she gets in trouble but far enough away to let her do this on her own. It's well past midnight, two days after they left, and Edward is itching to get back home. While he has come to terms with Rosalie's choice, it still leaves him uneasy. So many things could go wrong. So many things.

It seems like days go by before he sees Rosalie walking down the street toward him, looking like some sort of devilish angel in her wedding dress. The first thing he notices is its pristine whiteness.

There is not one single drop of red anywhere to be found.

Edward finds himself at a loss for words; what exactly is the appropriate thing to say in this situation? Then he hears Rosalie's thoughts, loud and clear: _Everything is gone because of him and now he is gone but I am still here._ They stand on the dark street, staring at each other until Rosalie's bottom lip begins to quiver and she throws herself into Edward's waiting arms, great, trembling sobs ripping through her body.


	3. Burning Man

When Rosalie brings a bleeding, dying human back to the Cullen house, she is the most frantic Edward has seen her since the incident in Rochester. Since she did… whatever it was she did to Royce, she has been stoic, quiet, almost robotic in her actions. Edward knows that Carlisle and Esme worry about her and sometimes even miss her newborn temperament; at least when she was yelling at everyone she was _doing_ something.

As she pleas to Carlisle, tries to explain why she wants, _needs_ him to save this dying man, Edward is relieved to see her arms flailing, hair whipping, eyes flashing. She is frantic and for a moment, Edward thinks she finally seems _alive_ again.

Carlisle agrees to help and he moves the human to the basement of the house. Rosalie's eyes are darker than pitch and so Esme suggests that the three of them go hunting. She is not strong enough to be in the house with so much blood and Edward agrees, feeling the burning in his throat and the venom pooling in his mouth. They leave and come back a few hours later, after Carlisle has bitten the man and the venom is spreading and he is moaning and thrashing.

Esme immediately finds a cool, wet cloth and begins gently mopping the sweat from his brow. There is blood, so much blood, on the sheets of the bed and Esme's eyes darken a bit, despite all of the blood she has just consumed. Edward hovers in the doorway. This is the third transformation he has seen and he realizes that it does not get easier. He searches Carlisle's thoughts and hears exactly what he expects: _Is this the right thing to do? Are we being selfish now?_

Rosalie stands perfectly still, staring at the man. He has dark curls matted to his forehead with sweat. He is lying down, but he still looks massive – taller than Edward and Carlisle, a muscular build, overbearing hands and feet. He claws at the sheets, not yet strong enough to rip them with his fingers, and hisses at the flames engulfing him. Rosalie opens her mouth to say something but closes it right away, fleeing the room instead.

Carlisle and Esme watch her go; they've adapted to the role of parents much quicker and easier than Edward knows they thought they would. Rosalie has taken Edward's spot as the "problem child" in the last few years – now she is the one they worry about constantly. Edward secretly enjoys this; he no longer is on the receiving end of Esme's motherly looks. Esme gets up from her seat next to the bed and follows Rosalie.

"I have a feeling this is going to be a long three days," Carlisle says, taking over Esme's job of mopping the man's forehead. _I know the guilt all too well_. Edward can't help but cringe at Carlisle's thoughts. Although Edward knows that his father sometimes feels as though he made a selfish decision in turning his wife and son, nothing compares to the guilt that consumes him about his decision to turn Rosalie.

They hear a yell and Edward runs outside where Rosalie and Esme are standing in the backyard. Rosalie's hair is tangled and creates a strange golden halo around her head. Her hands are shaking. Esme is a few feet away from her, torn between embracing her daughter and giving her space.

"How could I have done this?" Rosalie shouts. "I hate _this_-" she gestures to her body-"and yet, I didn't even think twice before bringing him here to be stuck like this, too!"

"You wanted to save him," Esme says softly. "He would have died, Rosalie."

This is the first time Edward has heard Rosalie admit that she unhappy with her new life. Sure, he'd have to be blind not to see that she could barely look at a child without going home to lock herself into her bedroom; how she looks absolutely disgusted with herself every time she goes out to hunt; that no matter where they move and who they pretend to be, she's not able to give up her last name. His own memories of humanity are fuzzy at best, but he can see Rosalie's as clear as day.

Yes, Edward knows that his sister wishes to be anything but what she is, but to hear her say it, and especially say it to Esme, is a completely different experience. Edward has learned the difference between hearing someone's thoughts and hearing someone's words – often he knows things about his family members that they would never say aloud, especially Rosalie, whose thoughts appear to be much more vain and shallow than they are.

Rosalie rakes her hands through her hair. She looks tired, like she could sleep for days. "He looks like Henry," she whispers. "I can't believe I did this to him."

Without asking who Henry is or what Rosalie is talking about, Esme takes the final few steps and wraps an arm around her. "Come on. We can leave for a bit and Carlisle and Edward will take good care of him. You shouldn't have to watch the rest of this."

They walk toward the woods behind the house, the woods in which they have just gone hunting. Edward takes a long, deep, unnecessary breath and wonders if maybe this burning man will be what his sister needs to be herself again.


	4. Gray Area

Emmett is loud and boisterous, joyful and laughing, and it's a welcome change to the Cullen household. He takes the idea of being a vampire in such stride that it throws Edward off for a moment. To Emmett, this is just the next adventure, and although he says that he'll miss his family and his life, there's nothing he can do to change the past and so he looks forward.

This attitude is particularly a foreign concept to Edward, who has struggled almost every day to come to terms with what he is. He has done, seen horrible things. He has watched his own mother and sister lament the things they can no longer do. This life has never been a blessing to him, but a curse, a blight upon the path that he should have been able to take. He should have died along with Edward Senior and Elizabeth.

But Emmett doesn't see it this way and so it is hard not to fall in love with him. He seamlessly slides into the role of brother and son. He is patient while Carlisle teaches him to hunt; once he learns to control his strength, he helps Esme around the house; and it's not long before he begins teasing Edward.

And Rosalie keeps her distance.

She is one of the first things Emmett asks about upon waking but his new family can only give him a few answers. They don't know why Rosalie is rarely found outside of her bedroom. They only know that she is unhappy and feels guilty.

"It's nothing to do with you," Esme assures Emmett. "Rosalie has had a tough time adjusting to this life. She'll come around, I promise."

Emmett provides Edward with a distraction from trying to understand what is going on in his sister's mind. After a month goes by, Edward forgets that there wasn't a time where Emmett was his big brother; few people personify the role like Emmett Cullen. He listens patiently while Edward tells him about his years away from Carlisle and Esme.

"The world isn't made of black and white, Ed." Emmett knows Edward hates that nickname, so he continues to use it anyway. "People aren't good _or_ bad, they're a mixture of both. Everyone has good and bad in them, including you, little brother."

He tells Edward stories of his human family – his brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews. Emmett is a natural storyteller and his voice booms throughout the room, his laughter is contagious. His favorite spot in the house is the big back porch; he says it reminds him of his human home. He spends his evenings out there, usually with Esme or Edward as they wait for Carlisle to come home from work, telling stories or listening to Edward play piano. Edward can tell he enjoys his new life and his new family, but the closed door at the end of the hall, the flash of gold he occasionally sees continues to bother him. He doesn't know Rosalie, hasn't been inside of her dark mind, hasn't listened to her yell and scream.

Edward doesn't understand Rosalie. He is annoyed with the fact that she can't get over whatever is bothering her and at least talk to this man that she just _had_ to save. She may have thought her decision to bring him to Carlisle was selfish, but Edward thinks not speaking to him is even more selfish.

When Rosalie leaves the house to hunt, Esme usually insists that someone accompany her. The last time that Rosalie went hunting alone was the day she brought home Emmett. She has not hunted with him, but she always has a companion in the form of Carlisle, Esme, or Edward. Almost two months after Emmett joins their family, Edward and Rosalie hunt in the woods not too far away from the house. Edward and Rosalie don't speak much often; he is too annoyed with her attitude and she seems to be fine ignoring the few words he does say to her.

But Esme had just gone hunting a few days before and Carlisle is working so Edward was sent to follow Rosalie. He feels like a babysitter; like he has been babysitting newborn vampires for years now and cannot live his own life anymore. He prefers to hunt alone, to lose himself in the sensation. But between Rosalie and Emmett, he hasn't been alone in quite a while.

"I wish you'd tell Esme that I'm a big girl and I can go by myself," Rosalie snaps as they leave.

"Oh just shut up," Edward says wearily. "We'll hunt a little and then you can race off home to lock yourself in your bedroom for the next two weeks and keep on avoiding the things you're too cowardly to face."

If Edward had been any other vampire, he would have been thrown off-guard by the tackle that Rosalie throws his way. However, he is able to dodge it just in time, causing her to hit the ground, hard.

She sits up, spitting hair out of her mouth. "How _dare_ you. Just because you sit there and steal information out of people's minds doesn't mean you know everything. You don't know anything, Edward."

Edward thinks of his brother, sitting at home wondering why the woman who saved him refuses to even look at him. He thinks of Emmett's easy-going attitude and the way he fits so easily with the family and the anger begins to ripple inside of Edward. "I'm so sick of you acting like you're the only one who's had something bad happen to them. I'm sorry that you had to go through what you did, but you can't mope around forever." In seventy years, Edward will eat these words.

"Everything I've ever wanted in my life has been ripped away from me!" Rosalie yells. "_Everything_. And I can't do anything but watch it go!"

"You think I wanted this?" Edward yells back. "You don't think sometimes I would rather have died in that hospital bed?" He takes a deep breath. This is not the path he wants to take tonight. "Look, you did what you did to Royce and you did what you did to Emmett. You destroy Carlisle and Esme every day that you act like you're so miserable. Emmett thinks that he's done something wrong. You need to stop, Rose."

She is still sitting on the ground, mud on her clothes and her hair tangled. "Let's go," she says.

Edward follows and they don't speak the rest of the night.

The next day, Emmett and Edward sit on the back porch. It's a warm but cloudy day and the radio can be heard from the open window. The door opens and Edward is not surprised to see Rosalie slide into an empty chair. No one says anything for a moment, then: "I like this song." Her voice is quiet, unsure, and Edward doesn't think he's ever heard her sound like that.

Emmett smiles widely. "Me, too. Ed was trying to teach me how to play it on the piano, but I wasn't any good."

"Well, he's not a very good teacher," Rosalie says, throwing a smirk Edward's way. "I can play, maybe I can show you?"

"I'd like that."

Edward pretends to check his watch and stands up, making his way to the door. Just as he's about to close it behind him, he hears two voices think _Thank you_.


	5. Damaged Goods

Things begin to settle into a strange pattern within the Cullen household and although everyone seems content, Rosalie is still trying to adjust to a new life for the second time. She feels like a newborn vampire all over again, her emotions completely scattered. Rarely can she put a name to what she is feeling, and just when she begins to get a grasp on it, the day changes and there is a whole new set of things to explore, deal with, figure out.

She spends many of her days with Emmett on the porch, his favorite spot, and she listens to the stories he has spent the last two months telling Carlisle, Esme, and Edward. She listens, sometimes asks questions, but never offers any information about herself. Neither of them mention the day with the bear or the three days following or the two months of silence.

After a few months they leave the porch and take to the woods, opting for long walks instead of seated stories. The two of them have never hunted together; Rosalie always declines Emmett's offers to accompany her. Their walks are also exercises in Emmett's self-control, to see how well he can turn away from a deer.

The trees provide cover for sunny days, but every once in a while a ray hits their skin. Rosalie always moves out of the way, traces her steps carefully, trying to prevent the myriad of diamonds from appearing on her skin.

She knows that this action never goes unnoticed.

"Can I ask you something?"

Rosalie looks up at Emmett and his face is cautious, his voice soft. "Yes."

He stops walking and turns to face her. She mirrors his action and waits, an uneasy feeling creeping over her bones. "Carlisle and Esme wouldn't tell me, and Edward said that maybe I shouldn't ask," he starts. "But I care about you a lot, Rosalie, and I need to know. How did this happen?"

She looks at the ground, the trees, the sky, anything to keep from meeting his gaze. Somewhere in the back of her mind she has been waiting for this question; not once over the past few months has he ever asked her a question about her or her past. And of course, she says to herself, he has to start with the big one.

"I was getting married," she says quietly. "And right before, I was raped by my fiancée and his friends. I would have died if Carlisle hadn't found me when he did."

They are both silent. _This is it_, Rosalie thinks. _This is the part where he finds out that I'm damaged goods and he wants nothing to do with me anymore._ Her panic surprises her; she has recognized that her feelings toward Emmett are not the same feelings she has toward Edward. She feels completely different around him, as if maybe, one day, she can finally be free of what has been haunting her for years.

"Where are they?" Emmett asks lowly.

She startles for a moment and finally looks into his face. His brows are furrowed and his mouth is a straight line. "What?" She blinks, confused.

In a blur, Emmett spins around, paces the immediate area, back and forth back and forth. "Carlisle said that you joined the family in Rochester. It can't take that long to get there, can it? I don't know if I can drive without crushing the steering wheel. Running would probably be easier."

Rosalie watches for a moment and then it clicks. She closes her eyes and lets out a whimper of relief. It causes Emmett to stop and he is back at her side immediately. "What's wrong?"

"They're already dead," she whispers. "I killed them, all of them."

For the second time in not enough time, Rosalie waits for his reaction, waits for him to proclaim her a monster and run, back to the house, back to Carlisle and Esme and Edward, who are all such good people that have never acted in the heated moment of revenge. She remembers all too well the swishing sound of her dress and the snap of Royce's neck. She remembers expecting to feel complete and healed and the confusion and disappointment that those feelings never came.

Slowly, as if giving her time to protest, he wraps his arms around her. "I'm so sorry," he murmurs into her hair. "I never would have let any of that happen to you."

She can't remember the last time – if ever – she was held like this, like someone was trying to keep her in this spot, like she would fly away. She is frightened at how much she feels in this moment.

She wishes for the prickle of tears in the corners of her eyes but settles instead for hanging on to him just as tightly.


End file.
